at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You ate ashes out of my bong
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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