so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
