hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
