Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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