i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
