I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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