haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
