Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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