Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
