Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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