at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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