Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
