i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
