Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
