According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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