Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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