im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
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