i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
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I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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