I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
