in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's never too late to be topless.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
