I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
