No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
