Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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