I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
