if i can run in heels then i can drive
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
