Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
