It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
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Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
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I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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