I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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