I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
