I wanna passion pit in your ass
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
