why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
