listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
