Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Someone shit on the floor
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
