why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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