I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
