Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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