I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
