I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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