Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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