someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
