Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
