you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
