Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
