If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
