I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Randomize
