Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
