normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
