herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
