I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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