Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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