A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We need a shit load of segways right now
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
