I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
