fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize