I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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