bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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