if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
All I want is dick and wine.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
