Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
