I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
